...well aware that i'm falling in love <3


PoopP.
Marco is so gay. Really.

See.
Now I don't even feel like blogging.

I feel like telling Marco the story but he's nawt HERE.

lolololololol


secret
i'm not even gonna bother to ask to go to Josh's house on Friday.
/secret

The wind might catch me, catch me and dispatch me.
Come on baby dive right in, we'll sin with a little skin on skin.




At least everything is getting clearer now.


I feel goodd I think.

Finally went to see The Dark Knight last night.
That movie was actually funny to me. Idk I felt weird. I was like the only one laughing at some stuff and the theater was packeddd!

I went with Sophie, Josh, Jasmin, Jerry, and Dionna. Andrea was supposed to come too but I couldn't reach her to tell her what time we were going. But she could have called me. She went at 10 with her cousin, said Justin, 'cause he saw her. I'm really mad at herrr.

Josh n Sophia are going outtt. It's actually really cute I think. I was jealous at first but I think that they are like meant for each other. And I should just shut up and stop complaining.

Joshy: wow yo sophia "thinks" she loves me
me: awww
Joshy: i alredy kno i love her
me: she definitely loves you
Joshy: lol
u kno how happy that makes me feel
me: awwww

My "aww"'s sound so fake to me LOLOLOLLL.

I'm starting my math packet as we speakkk. I'm supposed to go over Josh's at some pt. to do it but I might finish it before then.
And I have to buy that shit for my science project thing ):

I'm going jogging next weekkk over Sophia's along some long ass trail :D Loosing some weight! Idk, I'm the only one that thinks I'm getting fat but w/e.

The Twilight Midnight Party is like next weeekkkkkendd shettt! lol I haven't ordered the book (IF ONLY MARCO WOULD LET ME HAVE SOME PAYPAL MONEY!!@!@). And I haven't secured a ride to and from. That weekend, my mom is leaving to go vacation in Jamaica so... idk it might be a little too much? My older cousin might be going though. So I might be able to ride with her. We'll seeeee.

And I'm real fucking bored. And where is Marco ):


Idec anymore.
***********************
But I like it now that I'm not spending 5645656 hours on here. Truthfully, I could turn on the cpu and use it as long as I want during the day, but I feel guilty.

Sophia's party was fun. Blabblah I love hanging out with them like that. And after the party we just hung out in her room and James' room.

So I think Jordan likes me, says Josh. Lol, they were saying that this weekend Jordan and I should go see Hellboy II and Josh and Sophia go see Hancock.
But I think we're all just going to see The Dark Knight on Sat.
:D Yay. I'm excited to meet Jordan though. I'm pretty sure Josh showed him my picture so idk why he likes me. I just have a such a seductive voice?!

I read Tenderness by Robert Cormier yesterday. It's my summer reading book along with The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon. I want to read the movie now. That is such a beautiful book. I read it in a day. The ending makes me want to cry.
And I had watched Mystic River the day before as well. That movie also had a less than desired ending :(

I type so loud.
Anyways... I'll go find something to do.


Edit;
Oh yeah.
Andrea's in CT. Wallingford. Idk how far that is from here. She hasn't called me, and I know she remembers my house number and I can't go online. So'z I'll just wait for her to call me so we can hang out?...


[23:02] I eat rainbowss: you still watching daneee?
[23:02] N3AndErJoSh: hheelll nooo
[23:12] I eat rainbowss: 0h back to baseball!
[23:13] N3AndErJoSh: yup
[23:13] N3AndErJoSh: and y r u talkin to heather???
[23:13] I eat rainbowss: lOl
[23:13] I eat rainbowss: cause you guys are boring
[23:14] N3AndErJoSh: well u can buff my shit
[23:14] I eat rainbowss: lolol
[23:14] I eat rainbowss: aaron says that
[23:15] N3AndErJoSh: u talkin to her online or on the phone?
[23:15] I eat rainbowss: 0nline
[23:16] N3AndErJoSh: wats her sn?
[23:17] I eat rainbowss: whyyy
[23:17] N3AndErJoSh: cuz
[23:17] I eat rainbowss: nty!
[23:17] N3AndErJoSh: just give it to me
[23:18] I eat rainbowss: NTY!
[23:18] N3AndErJoSh: bitch ass nigger
[23:19] I eat rainbowss: shut the fuck uP
[01:22] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[01:28] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[01:29] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[12:25] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[14:00] N3AndErJoSh: hey
[14:00] I eat rainbowss: hii
[14:01] N3AndErJoSh: wut up
[14:02] I eat rainbowss: nada
[14:14] N3AndErJoSh: damn sophia folds laundry reallly slow
[14:14] I eat rainbowss: lolll
[14:44] I eat rainbowss: so what are you doenn
[14:44] N3AndErJoSh: playin halo
[14:52] N3AndErJoSh: wat r u doin?
[14:53] I eat rainbowss: listening to music
[14:53] N3AndErJoSh: me 2
[15:47] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[15:47] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[16:17] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[16:19] Meebo Message: you went offline
[16:19] Meebo Message: you came online
[16:23] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[16:24] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[19:38] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[19:39] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[20:36] N3AndErJoSh: hey
[20:36] I eat rainbowss: HI
[20:37] N3AndErJoSh: wutchu been up to?
[20:37] I eat rainbowss: uhmz nada
[20:40] N3AndErJoSh: u must b really bored
[20:40] I eat rainbowss: i'm not actually
[20:40] N3AndErJoSh: hm thats a first
[20:41] I eat rainbowss: im about to get a job at burger king
[20:41] I eat rainbowss: tehehe
[20:41] N3AndErJoSh: r u serious?
[20:42] I eat rainbowss: lolz i still need to fill out an application. idk.
[20:42] N3AndErJoSh: oh the one on silver lane obvi rite
[20:42] I eat rainbowss: yus
[20:43] N3AndErJoSh: they let 15 year olds work there?
[20:43] I eat rainbowss: obvi.
[20:43] I eat rainbowss: you should fill one out too
[20:44] N3AndErJoSh: i prollly will
[20:44] N3AndErJoSh: imagine if we were workin together
[20:44] N3AndErJoSh: that would b soo cool
[20:44] I eat rainbowss: if you get a job and i don't ill kill you though
[20:45] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[20:45] N3AndErJoSh: i guess it depends on who has the better interview
[20:45] I eat rainbowss: we have to do an interview? FOR BK? lOL idts
[20:46] N3AndErJoSh: idk im just sayin
[20:47] N3AndErJoSh: have u ever had a job b4?
[20:47] I eat rainbowss: nope
[20:48] N3AndErJoSh: oh
[20:48] N3AndErJoSh: theres no little kids in ur family that u can babysit?
[20:49] I eat rainbowss: of course there are. my momz doesnt want my family to pay me. or w/e. and i remember i asked my cousin when she first had the baaby if i could babysit when he gets older and she was like 'NO..."
[20:50] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[20:51] N3AndErJoSh: ill prollly babysit annabella wen she gets a little older so i dont gotta change her diapers
[20:51] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[20:51] I eat rainbowss: i wanna change a baby's diaper
[20:51] I eat rainbowss: just oonce to see what its like
[20:52] N3AndErJoSh: its nasty as hell
[20:52] N3AndErJoSh: u dont wanna do it
[20:52] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[20:53] I eat rainbowss: lololololol
[20:54] N3AndErJoSh: like ill do it as long as i got some nose plugs or sumthin so i dont gotta smell that nasty poopoo
[20:55] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[20:56] N3AndErJoSh: brb
[20:59] I eat rainbowss: okaydokay
[20:59] I eat rainbowss: im getting paid 8 dollahz
[21:00] I eat rainbowss: to edit this kids myspace pictures
[21:00] I eat rainbowss: aahaha
[21:00] I eat rainbowss: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2czx4k0&s=3
[21:00] I eat rainbowss: he gots pretty eyes!
[21:03] N3AndErJoSh: that dudes a faget u do u talk to him?
[21:03] N3AndErJoSh: y*
[21:03] I eat rainbowss: ...
[21:03] I eat rainbowss: lol okay josh
[21:03] N3AndErJoSh: how is he payin u?
[21:03] I eat rainbowss: nonya bizness
[21:04] N3AndErJoSh: doesnt he live in like new york or sumthin
[21:04] I eat rainbowss: LOL you are so scary
[21:04] I eat rainbowss: how do you even know that right now
[21:05] I eat rainbowss: have u seen his myspace before or something?
[21:05] N3AndErJoSh: ya i got his myspace
[21:06] N3AndErJoSh: is that y u went to new york? to c that faget. i bet u got an affair goin on wit that dude dont u
[21:06] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[21:06] I eat rainbowss: funnayyyz
[21:07] I eat rainbowss: i dont even know him. a couple days ago or w/evz i was asking who he was again and he asked me to do some shit for him for monayz
[21:08] N3AndErJoSh: ya sure keep lying
[21:09] I eat rainbowss: lololollll
[21:09] N3AndErJoSh: so then how is he supposed to pay u
[21:09] N3AndErJoSh: is he gonna mail it to u or somethin?
[21:09] I eat rainbowss: no
[21:10] N3AndErJoSh: ohhhh i kno
[21:10] N3AndErJoSh: ur gonna meet him at his crib the next time u go to new york
[21:10] I eat rainbowss: yeah thats exactly what i'm gonna do
[21:10] N3AndErJoSh: i kno u guys got some business to take care off
[21:11] N3AndErJoSh: c i knew it
[21:11] I eat rainbowss: you're so retarded
[21:11] I eat rainbowss: he's paying me through paypal
[21:11] I eat rainbowss: but you wouldn't know what that is!
[21:12] N3AndErJoSh: wat the hell is paypal?
[21:12] I eat rainbowss: exactlyyy
[21:12] N3AndErJoSh: wat is it?
[21:12] I eat rainbowss: ugh
[21:13] N3AndErJoSh: oooorrr nnnnootttt
[21:14] I eat rainbowss: ok well its a site
[21:14] I eat rainbowss: and ppl can send you money through it
[21:14] N3AndErJoSh: rrriiittteeeee
[21:14] I eat rainbowss: ...
[21:14] N3AndErJoSh: send me the site
[21:14] I eat rainbowss: paypal.com
[21:15] I eat rainbowss: wow you are so retarded
[21:15] N3AndErJoSh: ya im sure thats gonna work
[21:15] N3AndErJoSh: ur the one whos retarded
[21:15] I eat rainbowss: ....
[21:15] I eat rainbowss: i've used paypal before
[21:16] I eat rainbowss: i've had like 23 dollars in papypal
[21:16] I eat rainbowss: and that
[21:16] I eat rainbowss: necklace i always wear
[21:16] I eat rainbowss: TOWRiTElOVEONHERARMS
[21:16] I eat rainbowss: i bought that with paypal
[21:16] I eat rainbowss: dumbshit
[21:16] N3AndErJoSh: idk wat necklace ur talkin about
[21:17] I eat rainbowss: wonderful
[21:17] N3AndErJoSh: so wen r u and dennis gonna get married?
[21:17] N3AndErJoSh: gonna have any kids?
[21:18] I eat rainbowss: you'z annoying me right now
[21:18] N3AndErJoSh: ur the one who is annoyin me
[21:18] I eat rainbowss: wtf
[21:18] I eat rainbowss: you keep talking
[21:18] I eat rainbowss: and being ignorant
[21:19] N3AndErJoSh: fine i wont talk then
[21:19] N3AndErJoSh: bitch
[21:19] N3AndErJoSh: ass
[21:19] N3AndErJoSh: nigger
[21:19] I eat rainbowss: josh im really
[21:19] I eat rainbowss: really
[21:19] I eat rainbowss: starting to dislike you
[21:20] N3AndErJoSh: good cuz i dont like u either
[21:20] I eat rainbowss: THEN DONT TALK TO ME
[21:20] N3AndErJoSh: FINE I WONT
[21:20] I eat rainbowss: bye
[21:21] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[21:29] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[21:30] N3AndErJoSh: im sorry
[21:30] I eat rainbowss: yaaaaaaaaa
[21:34] N3AndErJoSh: so how do u edit his pics?
[21:37] I eat rainbowss: in photoshop
[21:37] N3AndErJoSh: oh
[21:38] N3AndErJoSh: wut r u doin to them?
[21:38] N3AndErJoSh: ur prolly makin him look ugly or sumthin
[21:38] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[21:38] I eat rainbowss: noo
[21:38] I eat rainbowss: sohpia just showed me his myspace
[21:40] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[21:41] Meebo Message: Sorry, meebo is having difficulties connecting to the network.
[21:41] Meebo Message: you went offline
[21:42] Meebo Message: you came online
[21:46] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline
[21:46] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is online
[22:42] N3AndErJoSh: u watchin jon and kate?
[22:42] I eat rainbowss: mhmmmm
[22:43] I eat rainbowss: lolz omg i just finished it
[22:43] I eat rainbowss: i kinda like it but like uh its weird
[22:43] I eat rainbowss: http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/4876/deenyceoa3.png
[22:45] N3AndErJoSh: i love how his head is not even on his body
[22:45] I eat rainbowss: lOlz
[22:45] I eat rainbowss: he likes it
[22:45] I eat rainbowss: so whatevz
[22:48] N3AndErJoSh: edit my pics
[22:48] I eat rainbowss: are you paying me?
[22:49] N3AndErJoSh: sho nuff
[22:49] I eat rainbowss: gayass
[22:49] N3AndErJoSh: shut up
[22:49] I eat rainbowss: looool
[22:50] I eat rainbowss: http://youtube.com/watch?v=wHBXC3Tkx7U
[22:51] I eat rainbowss: ! listen
[22:53] N3AndErJoSh: wat made u think i was actually gonna like that?
[22:53] I eat rainbowss: its goodddd tohughhh
[22:53] I eat rainbowss: i just dont know
[22:53] I eat rainbowss: why you wudnt like it
[22:53] I eat rainbowss: you didnt even get to the chorus
[22:54] N3AndErJoSh: exactly i didnt want to
[22:54] I eat rainbowss: you need to open your horizons
[22:55] I eat rainbowss: anyway were you serious about that myspace picture thing?
[22:55] I eat rainbowss: broaden ur horizons*
[22:55] N3AndErJoSh: ya i guess
[22:56] I eat rainbowss: well gimme some pictures
[22:58] N3AndErJoSh: iight
[22:58] N3AndErJoSh: h/o
[22:59] N3AndErJoSh: how do u want me to send them to u?
[22:59] I eat rainbowss: uhhmmm dont they have links? or are they on ur comp?
[23:01] N3AndErJoSh: nahh nvm forget it ill have u do it wen i get better pics on my myspace
[23:03] I eat rainbowss: okaydokay
[23:04] I eat rainbowss: ew this lady has 13 kids
[23:04] I eat rainbowss: n she's like
[23:04] I eat rainbowss: 37
[23:04] N3AndErJoSh: wat lady?
[23:04] I eat rainbowss: on tvvvvv
[23:04] N3AndErJoSh: oohhhh
[23:17] N3AndErJoSh: iight i gtg ill ttyl
[23:17] N3AndErJoSh: bye
[23:17] I eat rainbowss: bye
[23:18] Meebo Message: N3AndErJoSh is offline


Lalalala.
I don't even care anymore!
But idk, obviously I care if I just posted that?

So monokinis are really cute.
I want one.
Baldwin Hills is a good series lol.
Better than The Hills and shiet.

I cut my bangs yestuhday. I wish I could color my hair.

THERE'S NO MUTHERFUckinG ChEEze.

THERE'S NO ONE IN THE WORLD LIKE EMILLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
:)



I love Escape the Fate.

FUCK.
I feel sick.
I feel like throwing up.
I feel like I'm not going to be able to sleep.

I just keep having breakdowns, I swear.

God. I just wanted to copy and paste the conversation here and then the computer froze and I had to turn it off.
And meebo doesn't save conversations.
So fucking pissed.







edit;
I feel like shit.
AGAIINNNNNN.
So right now.
I'm looking at pictures of Non.
And listening to Andrea bitch off about Sophia (thanks).
SHOUTOUTS TO NON AND ANDREA AND MARCO.
The only readers of my bloggiiEE!

I wanna go to sleep.
But it's going to be hard.
It kinda feels like I got stabbed really hard.
And if I'm alone or something, I can't breathe =/

Andrew is making me laugh real hard.

It's annoying how Sophia keeps talking about uplifting songs all of a sudden.

IT WOULDN'T HURT SO BAD IF I DIDN'T FEEL HE JUST COMPLETELY TRASHED ME srsly.
I wouldn't care if he would still act like a friend.

I wish Sophia's pool party was tomorrowww. Ughh.


"Burnt by the stream of a better life
But your lottery touch feels lucky enough.
Refugee hands from a gin war.
I know a place where we can rest tonight.
But when the bombs start falling you've gotta open your eyes.
I just hope that I have mine."


"...and the simplicity of their characters broke"





[22:27] N3AndErJoSh: red is my favorite color
[22:28] I eat rainbowss: im aware
[22:29] N3AndErJoSh: and red makes me think about love so wen red came up sophia was the first name that came to me and i knew that was the rite person
[22:29] N3AndErJoSh: not renee!!!
[22:29] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[22:29] I eat rainbowss: Lolollolooooool
[22:31] N3AndErJoSh: but u were the one that i would remember for the rest of my life
[22:31] N3AndErJoSh: dont u feel special!!!
[22:31] N3AndErJoSh: lol
[22:32] I eat rainbowss: nut rly
[22:32] N3AndErJoSh: i knew u wouldnt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[23:07] I eat rainbowss: IM BOREd
[23:07] I eat rainbowss: 4 minutes
[23:07] I eat rainbowss: until 11:11
[23:07] I eat rainbowss: what are you wishing for?
[23:08] N3AndErJoSh: sumthin
[23:08] N3AndErJoSh: or someone
[23:08] I eat rainbowss: you n sophia are stuped
[23:08] N3AndErJoSh: y she wont tell u?
[23:08] I eat rainbowss: nah i know what she wants
[23:08] I eat rainbowss: she was just like
[23:08] I eat rainbowss: "u know"
[23:09] N3AndErJoSh: oohhh
[23:09] N3AndErJoSh: well ya im not gonna tell u cuz then its not gonna come true
[23:09] I eat rainbowss: lolololollllllll
[23:10] N3AndErJoSh: so wat does sophia want?
[23:10] I eat rainbowss: shut up
[23:10] I eat rainbowss: cause you know too
[23:10] I eat rainbowss: i told her she needs to get over it
[23:10] I eat rainbowss: UR IMMATURE
[23:10] N3AndErJoSh: lol well i can tell ya that wats she is wishing for is quite similar to wat im wishing for
[23:12] I eat rainbowss: yeah i know joshua
[23:13] N3AndErJoSh: so wat is ur wish renee?? that someday u and anthony will get married and have 8 children like that jon and kate plus 8 shit
[23:14] I eat rainbowss: no !
[23:14] N3AndErJoSh: well i kno it has something to do with anthony cuz i kno u just love that boy
[23:21] I eat rainbowss: it doesnt have to do with anthony. i dont like anthony that muchhh!
[23:21] N3AndErJoSh: ok so wat does ur wish have to do with?
[23:32] I eat rainbowss: it has to do with me. i wished that i would learn to love myself



I realize how stupid it is for me to get angry or upset over a stupid quiz.
So stupid. I never even pay attention to those things.
I still hurt all over though because no color reminded Jasmin of me.

I need a new blog.
Krissy's getting rid of IV soon, says her blog.

I was thinking about that conversation with Anthony from so long ago. I sincerely thought that was a turning point. I sincerely thought that we would be close at some point.

I was thinking about how I keep saying that I want to focus on loving myself instead of waiting for someone to love me. I can't seem to take some initiative.

And I'm secretly hoping we can start over next year. I apparently want to do this all over again. I apparently want to feel that all over again.

Everything is so fucking stagnant. I am so so so tired.

A pity invitation to an awkward house,
For pseudo-boy who would rather wear a blouse,
I sincerely saw your skin for the very first time

My curly hair and a voting booth,
Confessingly, this is the first time I've loved you,
And God I mean, God I mean it, I hope that I mean it

'Cause like dying young, idols got the best of me,
Well don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep,
And the building collapse, we'll shop one for something

I'll stick it at our skin, pierced for something

Besides, don't release me until it's over
And besides, you can't believe without fear
And besides, you can't believe without fear



When I take a step back and try to idk assess my situation from afar I realize how dumb it is for me to be upset of Anthony (i almost typed 'obsessed' Freudian Slip?) and then I don't know why I'm sad anymore and that just makes everything hurt more because I can't understand and it doesn't make sense and I just feel, everything feels like, nothing/empty/absent.

But I mean god, idk, he's so funny. He's just that type of person that would brighten my day. He would just add some interest.
And I miss that vulnerable side that seems so sweet and hurt and insecure.
I really hope we're in the same classes next year. Just give me that.

g0d, i'm brimming again.




edit;

I wish I did my blogging correctly. I skipped so many days and so many important events. I don't want to forget a thing. But I suppose the things that I'm too upset over to write about are always going to be with me.

I blocked Anthony basically because he called me ugly for the first time. That's what it was. I snapped. And all that anger I had because of all his BSing in general just came out. And I let it out on Myspace. Which was so stupid. I doubt he approved that comment anyway.
In school he talked to Sophia about it and all he said was, "Oh she was really mad wasn't she?"
Proving that he did it just to piss me off (I know he thinks I'm ugly, but I'm saying he SAID it just to make me angry).

And then another thing is how he would watch Josh attempt to kiss me in the hallway. Egging him on or w/e. He says he wanted to be the first to see it.
Then, there was when he noticed me wearing the headband he broke still (Josh super glued it back together I like to think of it figuratively too, like super gluing my heart together again) so he said, "Why are you still wearing that? Jeeze. If you want I'll pay for it..."
And I liked that. He seemed sincere. I didn't answer or look at him though. I just ignored it.

And I believe that was our end of the year.
And so. I just want one more chance. Just friends. Please.


yellow - someone you will never forget
orange - someone you consider a true friend
red - someone that you really love
white - your twin soul
green - someone you will remember for the rest of your life

sophia put:
yellow - her sister i believe
orange - jasmin
red - josh
white - God
green - me

josh put:
yellow - ?
orange - jasmin
red - sophia
white - chelsea
green - me

jasmin put:
yellow - her little brother
orange - samantha
red - sophia
white - stephanie
green - her older sister

lol how do you think this is supposed to make me feel?

sophia told me what the colors meant before I did it so I wasn't able to do it honestly. but when I was thinking about it, i really did draw a blank for most of the colors. blank 'cause I really don't have anything/anyone.
i would have put either ant, josh, or sophia for red. I can imagine them in red.

I'm watching The Night Listener. somehow I'm not able to focus.
I've already discerned that it's a weird, disturbing movie.

I wanna talk to Marcooo


edit;

I actually went to the party. I had fun.


Idk what to do.

I still have no books before me.

A week in and I am just as immersed and lost in it.

I wish I could write like Ellen Hopkins.
I stopped writing because I didn't have anything to write about.
Nothing of substance.
I don't think I do even now either.


I'm not going to her party.
My skin seems to be getting worse (so I don't want anyone really looking at my face gr0ss) and I really don't feel like faking anything with anyone there.

I might have to lie to her.
I hate bowling anyway.
Maybe I'll change my mind later today.

I feel sad because I want to go but I can't. I feel like I need to stop going on AIM and stop answering phone calls. I don't want to feel obligated to say sorry or give an explanation. I want it to just be.


And again it's one of those I want to talk to you and I want to have friends but I just can't.

Like I want him but I can't be with him. It's this weirdd thingg where I don't think I deserve anything or that he deserves to be with someone like me or something. Because I think he can do so much better and I don't know what he could possibly see in me. It's that kind of can't. I hate can't. OR MAYBE it's won't.

...I'm so weird.

I want to order a movie On Demand.
Right after I empty the dishwasher and load the dishwasher...
***************************************************


I got an A- (90) on my French exam.

Which just so happens to be the highest grade in all the French 2H classes. So that 's wonderful.
A definite picker-upperr lol.

I failed my English exam again. I know I did. I tried. Well, I kind of tried. I developed a defeatist attitude by the last essay though. The sonnet was fun to write about, however, I only wrote two paragraphs.

I regret. I could have probably wrote more but I encompassed like all the lines in both paragraphs already so I'd just be repeating myself again...

Joshua is my best friend right now. I hope I can hang out with him a lot this summer. Him, Jasmin, Sophie, and Dionna were over my house on Monday. It was goodd. He was there for like 4 hours.

Ant was touching Sophia's butt today.
What's with boys these days? Idk why they can't respect girls' personal space.
And even though I supposedly hate Anthony and I blocked him and haven't particularly talked to him... I'll be jealous if he likes Sophia. But whatever schools over real soon.
And then I get to hide.

[19:05] phephe64: wat do u see when u look at me a person with feelings and a personality, or just a pair of big boobs and a big ass!!!!!
[19:05] phephe64: cuz it seems like thats all everyone sees : (

My Civ. exam went oKAY.
I'm not real confident.

Biology is tomorrow and I'm studying online with Dionna at the moment.

I want to read more of Shakespeare's sonnets. They are good.

I can't wait to hang out with Andrea and Justin this summer. I'm so tried of the regular boring fake people. Everyone is cold and far. Lol.

I love Juliet Simms.


I think every single day is important.

The last classes of my freshman year ended today.
It's sweltering outside and I'm studying (taking a break right now) Ch. 15 & 16 Africa and the Americas. And Ch. 17 The Renaissance.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to start an outline for out English question. The essay question for the book Whale Talk doesn't make any sense. How does Chris Crutcher define the roles of women and men?

Whatever.
Back to my essay.




June 16th is our last day.
The last day COULD be the 15th but I think I'll go to school on the half day and chill for a little.
Or not.

Whatever mood I'm in at that point.

Right now. I'm pretty sad. And I have a mild cold. And I almost had a nosebleed this morning.

I feel like such a joke.

I'm burning uppp. It's so hot now. We need the air conditioners in immediately

before I evaporate.

I'm not really looking forward to the summer.

I need to take a shitttt.

Josh has a baseball game tomorrow.

I was invited. But I don't want to go and see Josh introduce Sophia to his mother.

It's his fault.

A long time ago, I would have been fine with him liking Sophia.

But not nowww, not after all thisss.


I wanna lose weight. I'm only going to drink water. LOL And eat food too, but just less food.

I'm breaking out a lot. I'm just a mess.

I need to invest in comfort clothes. Idc anymore.

My hair is so dirtayyy.

I went on Neopets today. Real boring.

I understand why so many girls are turning gay all of a sudden.

People keep calling me gay.

Because I won't go out with Josh.

Today Austin was like, "Renee thinks she's going to get Prince Charming or something."

The other week Austin was like, "What? Do you think you're gonna get better? No offense."

No offenseeee.

Today Joey was like, "I can't see Renee going out with someone. You're ugg."

It makes me feel bad. 'Cause it's like no one cares about my feelings or something.

I don't think I see people get treated like I do.

Everything is so uncalled for.

I think Josh is trying to hurt me on purpose.

I mean, fine if you don't like me anymore, but you don't have to be so extreme.

It's not like you either love someone or hate someone.

I miss him alreadyy. But blahblahblah.

Idk if he cares. He didn't call.

I'm not sure if he actually knows I blocked him. I just went, "beybeybeybeye." out of nowhere.

My right nostril is congested. Whattodowhattodo.

I can't complain to Sophia about my feelings.

No one understandsss.

"[19:06] N3AndErJoSh: watever im just tellin u rite now that i would do anything to go out wit u even if i had to wait till next year or watever i would do it cuz thats how much i love u and thats how much i care about u and i kno that u dont care about wat im sayin to u rite now but i just thought i let u kno"

Mean what you say, say what you mean.

I'm going to blow up.
Have an aneurysm.

That would suck so much ass.

Lol why won't I do my goddamn homework

Oh Josh is calling me.

UHHH...!@!@!

Ah shit. I think I should wait for the 2nd call because he really hurt my feelings before.

Idk idk.

1 Missed Call (okay it really says 4 but idk why it says 4 because my cellphone has been next to me for the longest time)

If he doesn't call again I could always call back later as if I just wasn't around to answer my phone.


Anyway.
It's official anyway.
I want to start over.
I want to meet knew people.
I wanna disappear.
I don't want to come back either.
If I go to a new school two choices arise, either I'm going to be completely alone forever or I'll make lots of new friends.
Both choices are good I think.


Time to shit.



[23:20] N3AndErJoSh: yo i dont like u no more
[23:20] N3AndErJoSh: just so u kno
[23:20] I eat rainbowss: okayyy
[23:20] N3AndErJoSh: i like dionna now
[23:20] I eat rainbowss: okayy
[23:20] N3AndErJoSh: sike fuck outa here i like sophia


This is so laughable.

I'm pretty sure it's the truth but wow, I love how simple his feelings are. Or maybe not. I don't even ask why. I don't have to ask why; there are so many reasons for that, I would have/should have asked why for before.

Everything is really dead.

Or maybe it's not the truth. I don't feel like caring right now. I would rather believe that he doesn't. That's so much easier and feels so much more right. You know?...


i cannot breathe.


why does it still sting.


went to the mall. with my mother. by myself.

3 shirts. 1 cami. 1 pair of shorts. 1 dress.
unfinished.


i stayed up 'till 3 AM with Josh last night.
i wonder if it's real.
reeeeeeeeeeel.


i want to hide again.
i want to disappear.
why couldn't you have just ignored me from the start.
i am nothing.

i hate it here.





"What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are."


"He who does not at some time, with definite determination consent to the terribleness of life, or even exalt in it, never takes possession of the inexpressible fullness of the power of our existence."

Rainer Maria Rilke


Friends are forever.
Boys are temporary.
Boys tear friendships apart.

And then
there's nothing left.


I am 15 today.



And nothing's right.

Everything is about 100% worse than it was last year.

It's raining too.


Lots of stuff has been happening I guess.
In the end, I feel angry.

And pretty sleepy right now.

I have to blog about it sooner or later.

I hate this town.


Uh.
Josh apologized. And he kept hugging me from behind, which I like a lot, but I always act like it bothers me. I'd feel like a slut otherwise.
Anyway.

The play was fine. I guess.
I didn't embarrass myself, but I sucked. And I've read my lines so many times, I wasn't even thinking about them when I was reciting them. So it looked like I didn't forget any lines, but I have a feeling I skipped at least one or two. Oh, poo.

Ugh. Now if Mr. Chanese, would just cut me out of the FUCKING VIDEO. Isn't that like taking away my rights?! AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. lol.

Fucking A.

I have a concert tonight. And I have hw to do ): I did like half of it last night, so I think I can afford to do it in the morning.

MY TOPIC IS SITUATED!!!
WOO!
Something about can antimicrobial agents replace antibiotics.

Mr. Hoxley and Mr. Reed are so MEAN. We (Dionna and I) gave them our lists and they just sat there reading it out loud and laughing at us. They were totally just making fun of us. I'M SENSITIVE. lololollll.

But I have to admit, most of it was truly funny. But Idc that they were laughing because I got the ideas from this website, so it's not like it's MY idea, per say.
I think I like Mr. Reed better than Hoxley. Hoxley is so sly. You know he's being a bitch but he tries to play it off. Lol.

Yeah. I think I'll take a nap instead of homework.


The play has been postponed for tomorrow.


I couldn't find the paper with my ideas on it in school. I hope it's some where in my room. Otherwise, I'll just have to go with water color on water's heat conductivity or something.


Apparently I'm playing games. I hate little boys that don't really know anything.
Just because I like Anthony more doesn't mean he's boyfriend potential. This is how I feel. I don't like when people try to tell me what I'm feeling.

I almost feel like crying. But lately, what has he been to me? I can hardly talk to him.
I hate being part of the reason why his "life is falling apart", if you're not even being a friend to me, I don't think I care if you're around or not.

I think friends are so much more important than boyfriends/girlfriends.
Well really first you're supposed to be good friends with the person, then maybe develop some kind of physical attraction. Or the two steps can be reversed. Whatever. I think those are key to an actual relationship.


I read my old diary.
I think it was 2003-2005.

Wow, memories.
Lol.

Petar was definitely my first love ever.
Maybe not love.
Just maybe the first person I ever lost.
And in many ways too.
'Cause I mean, looking back, did I ever really have him? So it's like he's lost 'cause I realize he was never really there.
Even now, there's this like empty space because idk what was real.

That's why I want realness so bad.
Even though realness hurts sometimes.
I just wish the realness was different, wish reality was different.

I really don't want to die.
I just wish things were different.
I get that LiFe is full of wonderful.
But idk if I'm gonna get wonderful.

Ah boy.
Tomorrow is our Romeo and Juliet "play".
I'm playing Romeo in Scene 5, Act 3. The grande death scene.

THOU DETESTABLE MAW, THOU WOMB OF DEATH.

I'm going to feel so lAmE. Chanese is not fucking video taping me. I am not fighting Rumanah "Paris". I am not wearing any type of costume.

I guess to do it, I just have to forget about how stupid I look.

Grades are pretty bad. Just sometimes when you feel like shit and you feel like crying you can't really focus, and work isn't important right then.
I like to believe I'm a smart girl.

Goals?
Higher than a 3.4 this quarter.
Next year, I'd like to stay above 3.7.
Homework, at my house, every night.
TALK TO MR. REED ABOUT MY SCIENCE RESEARCH PAPER.

I have like one week left to write the paper and I don't have a topic yet.
Such bullshit really. It shouldn't be quite so difficult.
Might I add that it's like a 5 page paper. Worth 80pts.

I don't want to lose anymore things.
(like myself)


Tired of all these stank (attitude) people in my house...


I'm so aggravated and frustrated.


Like I could be a lesbian, and they wouldn't even know.
They don't know me.

Every time I want to go somewhere with a boy it's this huge problem.
And no matter how much I say they're just friends they don't believe me.
It's so annoying.
Like they treat boys like they aren't even regular people.
"Sophia and A BOY"
As if I hadn't already told her his name was Josh.
I am so mad right now that I'm crying.

I'm so sick of living here.

Today was supposed to be fun. I might as well go back to sleep since I'm not doing SHIT today.
I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.
They aren't getting a birthday present from me.



[19:56] N3AndErJoSh: renee y r u soo prude
[19:56] I eat rainbowss: idkmybffjill
[19:57] N3AndErJoSh: r u gonna b like this wen ur with ur bf
[19:57] I eat rainbowss: prob. not stupido
[19:57] N3AndErJoSh: cuz if u r then ur just wasting his time

Really?



I'm gonna blog about actual stuff....
later.


N3AndErJoSh (2:12:42 PM): oh well he told me he was jp in the hallway today anyways so i guess it dont matter
I eat rainbowss (2:13:33 PM): omgg i even asked him if he was being serious and he's like what do i gotta do to prove it to youu
I eat rainbowss (2:13:40 PM): thats why i hate him
N3AndErJoSh (2:14:12 PM): i feel u renee i feel u
N3AndErJoSh (2:14:49 PM): he told me he asked out ali too



I feel hurt all over.

I just got over him I swear.
And he just sucked me right back in.
JUST PLAYING.
Wow.
I fucking asked him if he was being fucking serious.
I want to throw up.
I'm gonna yell at him. Like really. I just want to make it clear how fucking stupid he is.
I'm shaking so bad.

edit

So I called him.
"Maybe I was just mad because you said no."

I feel better.
Stupid motherfucking ...
He hung up on me too 'cause he kept asking why I said no and I said, "'cause we don't talk anymore." And he's like, "well let's talk right now." And I kept saying I don't want to and stuff and then he was just like "ugh fine. yr annoying. -click-"
Whutever.


Idk why I talked to Ant.
I feel so like cold and numb and stuff.
He asked me out again, telling me he wanted to start over.
It's definitely an aw moment.

But I definitely don't want to get happy.

I just had a breakdown two days ago. Why is everything always like this.

I feel embarrassed now...
I'm just glad I have Sophia to talk to about it.

And I'm also confused about Josh.

Males.


i'm so not worth anything.
i don't deserve anything.
i'm so sorry.
jhjkhjh



edit

I feel sick.
Keep it.
I wonder if it's like, I'm glad I didn't take it because it wouldn't last long or if it didn't last long because I didn't take it.
I feel so sick.

I want to stay home.

I feel so shitty. I hate myself so much. Sooo much.

Idk what I want.

): Poo.


what do you say when someone is gonna be homeless?
what do you when someone says they're gonna kill themselves?
what do you say when someone has no hope?


So I wanna be separate.
Or not.
Do I just want everything that I want.
Do I want what I know I can't have?
I want it all I think.
How can you ever be happy?
Is anyone happy?

I hate that I'm sitting here worrying about this.
I have work to do.

It's the same thing over and over again.
Nothing's going to be fixed.

I don't know what I want.
I swear, I just want everything.
I want everything good that anyone has.
I'm never going to be satisfied.

Can someone show me some real love.
A week from now you won't even look at me anymore.
A week from now I won't even talk to you.

Like Anthony.
who I don't know anymore.
who I don't think I ever knew.
who told me he loved me.
and doesn't even look at me anymore.
doesn't even talk to me anymore.

I want something reallllllllllllllllllll.
Mean what you say and say what you meann.



Nothing's real :(


Ahm so.
Reecapp.
Tuesday was a very good day. The bus ride was good. Josh asked me to sit with him. Me, him, and Sophie had fun especially on the way back.

Uh basically, the guys on the bus knew he liked me when he was sitting with me. So the whole day this is all I heard, "So Renee, how's Josh?" Blahzehblah. And Josh asked me out again. Multiple times. During our IMAX movie and then on the bus when Louis told him to. And I was just like shut up.

The field trip just happened to be extra hilar. I was walking around with Sophia and Jasmin talking about penises and vaginas.

And then lunch was super expensive. I spent 28 dollars! Sophie owes me 12 though.

Whatever. I can't wait for the week to be over.
Only 54 days until school ends.


Done.
Doeonenenodneodnoene.
I expect nothing from anyone/everyone.



Didn't go to Goodwin.

Watched The Jane Austen Book Club and Eastern Promises.

Aaron pissed me off about 30 minutes ago. We're not going to the movies anymore. I'm going; he's not. Like I don't get why he can't just be my friend and not expect anything from it. I feel so bad when he tells me he's "wasting his time".

Josh just asked me out on the phone.
...


A good nightt last nighttt.
:) Nice convo with Joshua Dalee.


And today was really fun LOL.
I woke up early and started making Cinnaabunnzzz!@!@

My brother helped, so we had funn. Then we had to put the dough in the fridge to let it set/rise for 4 hours.

And then I was talking to Aaron for the whole dayy.
And I was talking to him in the shower and I dropped the phone in the shower and now some of the buttons aren't working.
Oh plz Jesus, make it dry out and work. PLZ CINGULAR. PLZ SAMSUNG. PLZ.
My daddy bought the phone for 200 dollars about 3 months ago because I lost my other one.
PLZ JESUS.
It's all Aaron's fault.

Then my brother and I started rolling the cinnabunz and putting the cinnamon filling inside. Yeah. Then we went to Blockbuster. And now I'm here...


edit
Idk Cutenews finally edited the posts time thingy.
So the time on all the entries before this one are three hours behind and this one is correcto!


I had a good day yesterday, I guess.
I got lots of clothess.


Idk why I can't be appreciative of what I have.
I wonder if I really have anything of value.
In my life, I mean.
I'm confused.
Maybe I feel like I'm not being appreciative because I /think/ that some people have it worse than I do.
But I'm not really sure anymore.
Not at alllll sure about anything really.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Why can't we just move across the country or something.
I don't want to see these people anymore. I don't even care if I don't make any new friends, I just don't want anyone to know me at all.
I don't want any emotional ties with anyone. I don't know how to explain it.

I feel like nothing.
I feel like the minor character in somebody's big story.
I rather not be in the story at all.


32 days. And I'm no even sure what that countdown is for anymore.
Only time will telll righttttt....


I'm so afraid of myself. This week is going to suck. I'm so scareddddd.


J'aimerais mourir.



EDIT
Aaron, Marco, and Sophie are really all I have right now.
What a pathetic list of people. However thankful I am. I was on the phone with Aaron all day. I don't know what I'd do without him anymore.

I'm wondering if I should call Jasmin and ask for a ride to Goodwin on Tuesday.
Fuck, I don't even know where Goodwin School is...

All I need are three real friends.
That I can laugh with. That I can just be myself with. That I can tell everything. That I can hang out with everyday. That can sleep over. That I can tell secrets to. That can be my blog (my third blog, hehe, ily marco). Just three friends. Idc who. Idc what sex.

On Friday I realized how annoying Jasmin, Sophia, and Samantha are. We were with a bunch of people outside because of the bomb threat at school and like we were in a circle holding on to Paul ('cause he's so tall and warm looking) and they were singing SO LOUD. And it was annoying after the first three songs. Idk if they just got more annoying or if I just got less tolerant. Now I get what everyone bitched about in like seventh and eighth grade. I don't really care though. Those were some of the best times really.
I don't miss it, I'm just glad it happened. I want something new now. You know...

And Josh. I have Josh too. So incredibly sweet, he is.


This was like the worst day ever.
It's about time somebody died, and I'm not talking about me.


I'm strangely content right now.

I feel like dancing and it's not even because of Anthony or boy-related


I feel like making something pretty.


Oh yeah. And my face is like SCALING.
I think the Differin is too strong for me or something.
I'm gonna go back to the Duac and see if that helps.
At night, after I wash my face, it's like my whole face has been mauled by some cat's nails.
It's really bad.
And this morning, I woke up and the corners of my eyes got darker and scaly. Yeah I'm gonna ask my parents to call my dermi. and ask her what to do.

LIKE I CAN'T EVEN TOUCH PARTS OF MY FACE, or it'll burn. Rofl.


EDIT

Shiet.
Josh is flirting with me.
Okay I was just feeling independently happy, and now he does this.
I don't need another Ant.

LoL I just realized how gross my description of my face sounded.
It's not that noticeable! I can't put cover up on it, or it'll irritate the skin, but no one noticed it until I told them about it. 'Cause I'm a whiny bitch.


I find it ironic, funny, like literally laughable, how someone can sit here and try to tell me I bear some kind of charmed life.

This morning, I came in to school and Sophia was all down and out. Jasmin was with us. At some point, she gets up and drags Jasmin with her saying something like, "I gotta talk to you. I need to get away from Reneé/people." I don't know which she said.

A few minutes later, Austin walks into the classroom they had gone into and then he walks right back out and tells me how Sophia's crying and stuff.
I somehow feel that it's about me. She honestly didn't want me to know for some reason. Especially at lunch she was like, "I had the worst day yesterday." And I asked her why and she didn't answer me. And I was just like fine whatever, I really don't care anyway (I didn't say that out loud). And she also said something like, "I've decided to like Josh again ... 'cause my life sucks."
I feel like it's something about Josh, but idk why it would make her feel so sad.

But she kept alluding to the fact that she thought I felt no pain in my life or something. Because every time someone would hit me or she'd hit me (it's a normal thing for her), she would say, "Good. You deserve some pain in your life." And because she didn't think I was worthy enough to talk to.


I find that so funny.
I am the worst state right now.
Just because I don't wear my feelings on my fucking sleeve like that doesn't mean I don't have any.

I'm tired of people thinking I'm cold and content. When really, it's just that I feel like I've come to a somewhat understanding of the world we live in, that people around me haven't seemed to notice yet.

That's why I said earlier on, I'm never going to sit here and try to judge how anyone is feeling. You don't know me and I don't know you. This isn't "whale talk".

She's calling me right now. She just wants my s/n and Josh's s/n.
Lol.

J'aimerais mourir.


Does anyone still even visit my blogg/!@?!@?!@!@?!
I know Andrea comes from time to time coz she's really nosey like that.
If you doooooo, visit my Spreadshirt shop that I made with Marco. -ggl-


http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/
http://200367.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/

What. the. fuck.
I feel so brui sed.

[16:11] gotsilva101: but srsly we ca hook u up wit him
[16:11] gotsilva101: and i feel i need to since we went sour
[16:11] I eat rainbowss: what
[16:12] I eat rainbowss: are you talking about
[16:12] I eat rainbowss: i dont like josh.
[16:12] gotsilva101: mhmm
[16:12] gotsilva101: but dont worry i owe u onw
[16:12] I eat rainbowss: why do you owe me one?
[16:13] gotsilva101: cuz me and u went sour
[16:13] I eat rainbowss: what do you mean by went sour
[16:13] gotsilva101: our relationships were bad
[16:14] I eat rainbowss: i seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[16:14] gotsilva101: mhmm
Then he signed off on me.


So brui sed.

"Isn't if funny how day-by-day a few things change, but then when
you look back, everything is different."

Did anyone notice how he's like "our relationships were bad". Wth. He has problems with his subj.-verb agreement and relationships weren't supposed to be plural.
You know.
I really don't understand him. On so many levels. Hopefully you understand why now.


[17:13] I eat rainbowss: do u even like him?
[17:14] huRrRyyy: not relly
[17:14] I eat rainbowss: LOL thats funny
[17:14] huRrRyyy: he instigates too much
[17:15] I eat rainbowss: yah. and he lies 90% of the timee
[17:15] huRrRyyy: ya i kno
[17:15] huRrRyyy: nobody likes him
[17:16] I eat rainbowss: dont tell me thatt. cause im gonna feel bad for him now
[17:16] huRrRyyy: y do u like him?
[17:16] I eat rainbowss: iDkKK
[17:16] huRrRyyy: like do u think hes annoyin
[17:17] I eat rainbowss: sometimes
[17:17] huRrRyyy: do u like him as a friend?
[17:17] I eat rainbowss: idkkk. sometimes i dooo. but sometimes i hate him
[17:18] huRrRyyy: ya me too


Srsly, I feel bad. If it's true that no one likes him.



J'aimerais mourir.



[19:56] huRrRyyy: ur the most boring person i know

Small simple things.




I definitely think that this is going to be forever.
Idk. Just sinking fast. Falling down a cliff. Rather than bumpy terrain.
You know.

I really just want to hide for awhile.
Like just leave and come back.
Finding some kind of new perspective.
I want this to not be real.

I want to be above all this.
All of them.

It's only a matter of time before I really crack and just fall apart.
I'm scared. 'Cause I don't want anyone seeing that.

I literally.
Literally.
Have no friends.
I don't have a best friend anymore.
I used to have so many best friends.


Who even knows my favorite song?
My favorite thing to do?
Who even understands me?
Who can I even count on?
Who knows what bothers me?

Who knows me?

And I can't even leave and start over.
I'm not going to make any new friends.

Honestly, what's wrong with me?
I want someone to tell me. Or maybe I'm just not listening.

I find that I have problems with more people than I can handle. I really do hate negative relationships.

I wish I could stop feeling like people are looking at me and judging me. Idk, maybe then I can let things go.


"That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have. "
- Garden State





At this moment, Bailey and I seem like the same people.
Her feelings, thoughts, they mirror mine. And I mean, I was just thinking about /that/ feeling as I was walking home.
I feel gross. I feel nasty. I feel mean. I feel rude. I feel abrasive.
I feel like I want to disappear. I wish I was invisible.

Her birthday is on the same day as mine. I wonder if people born on May 16th, 1993, all want to disappear.

I almost felt like I wish I still talked to her, but I know that /I/ don't want a friend that's like me. Like two wrongs don't make a right, two negative charges don't attract. You'd need a friend with some sanity, normalcy, but understanding.

My D in English raised to a B. An 84 I believe. My Civ. grade is an 89, which really pisses me off. My Bio grade is an 83, which also really pisses me off because a week ago I had a 93 then I end up with all this missing work OF WHICH I completed but forgot to hand in and now have lost. And plus, I was absent for one of the assignments so that's really shit. My Geo grade is a 93, A-. Very happyyy. I did kind of bad on my last test. I got an 86. 69pts out of 80pts. Ughhh...I probably have a very bad grade in Orchestra... idk.
I should have an A+ in Art, fucking bitch. And I have a 96 in French ALMOST AN A+ lolol.
Back to Art. Everyday, somehow, I end up speaking to her before class. SO SHE KNOWS I'M FUCKING PRESENT IN HER GODDAMN CLASS. So anyway, she does the name call and she's like, "Reneé? Where's Reneé?" And I ANSWER HER. I say, "I'm right here." Or I raise my hand. And like today I kept saying I was here and she's like still calling me and then Jenna had to be like, (multiple times), "SHE'S OVER HERE." And then this girl in the class is like, "She never says anything" and Ms. B was saying something, bitching at me.
And I saw Alycea and Jenna looking at me, CAUSE THEY KNOW I ANSWERED HER TOO. I think the teacher is deaf and stupid and I want to punch her in her jaw.

Orchestra.
I hate all the bitches in my section. No fucking lie. They always have something to say about Joey and I.
And Ms. Lasley like hates me. When we play stand by stand she always praises Joey and ignores me. Once, I messed up and I stopped and Joey saw me stop so he stopped too. And she was just like, "Jooeyy! Don't stop for /her/."
I felt really bad.
So she asked us to play it again. And I just didn't play. And she didn't care. So next time when we have to play stand by stand, I won't do shit.

So anyway. My list in orchestra consists of Julia Eaton, whom I've always hated since before 7th grade, Jessica IDKHERLASTNAMEBUTSHE'SAJUNIOR, and Merrill, whom I used to look up to. But now I think she acts like a little bitch and follows Jessica. She acts so uppity. I know Ms. Lasley doesn't like them either, so that's comforting.

There's so many things I want to sayyy.
I just want people to know how /wrong/ they are.
So absolutely wronggg.


Okay. Dermi appointmenttt.


Before I go take my napPpP...


Lately I feel so alone! I like it quite honestly. I always felt jealous of people that could just sit there and not have people bothering them. In some classes, you need people to talk to, but in art or something, it's nice to



sjdfsdjfdsf. whatever. i'll write this later.


The agenda for tewmorroowwww is a new layouttttt.
I was looking through my folders and I have a couple unused stuff.

Bahbshdabsdha.
I need to blog.

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